That Duckworth – Farctum – Lewis Ruling in Full

I have to admit that when I bumped into Duckworth and Lewis in the bar last night they were in no fit state to help with any form of adjudication.  I decided instead to dig round the back of the pavilion and see if I could find some other form of support.  I might have guessed as much, for there under an old net, were my good friends Saggers and Truffles who were only slightly the worse for wear having consumed quantities of scrumpy; but they have the constitution for it.  Below is the transcript of the official adjudication.

Saggers:   You need our help, why?

Farctum:  I’ve been playing Pub Cricket with a bunch of twits and we may have a bit of a controversial outcome.

Truffles:  What rules were you playing?

Farctum:  Well, that may have been my first mistake.  You see I thought everyone knew my local rules.  Name the pub, how many legs are in the name and write a review of the ambiance and the food.  All should be well.

Saggers:  And it wasn’t?

Farctum:  Let’s just say it soon became clear we would need to create a way of weighting and adjusting the rules to suit the conditions and the experience of the players.  Plus the light was beginning to fade, there was snow on the pitch………

Truffles:  It’s beginning to sound like you hadn’t warmed the players up properly before you started.

Farctum:  That could be true, but we are where we are; so I need to design a full proof way of adjusting the scores to come up with a fair result.

Saggers:  Let’s hear it then….

Farctum:  Well first we had @jaydubblah with the Douglas Bader, not a very full review and she admitted that his leglessness could be a problem.  More cake anyone.

Truffles:  Thanks it is rather fine.

Farctum:  Anyway I decided that the legs component should be worth 6, two for the ones he started with, two for the spares and two for @jaydubblah’s own; the reasons for this will become clear tomorrow.

Saggers:  So six legs = six runs

Farctum:  Well now, you see, I decided to add a multiplier of 5 for actually having been there and another 5 for the review, even though the review amounted to ‘it’s OK’.

Truffles:  This cake is marvellous – could I have some more

Farctum:  There you go.  Anyway that gave a score of 6x5x5=150 a decent score in anyone’s eyes and I thought OK I’m on a roll and I quickly calculated up the rest.

Saggers:  I hope you did some adjustments for those that did not visit the pubs etc. 

Farctum:  Yes I did and the final scores were:

Pub name, County, Number of legs, Been there, Review, Total

Douglas Bader, Suffolk, 6, 5, 5, 150

Mops and Brooms, Hertfordshire, 2, 5, 1, 10

Punch Bowl, Essex, 2, 5, 10, 100

Bug and Spider, Wiltshire, 16, 1, 1, 16

Twenty Church Wardens, Norfolk, 42, 1, 1, 42

Fox and Hounds, Suffolk, 242, 1, 1, 242

Crab and Lobster, Yorkshire, 22, 5, 5, 550

Truffles:  Looks great.  I don’t see why you needed us.  Thanks for the cake though; is that a bottle of claret I see?

Farctum:  Yes, help yourself.  Well it was fine until……………

Saggers:  What happened?

Farctum:  @Martincampbell2 came up with The Beehive, near Bury St Edmunds.  He is thorough and even had all the evidence for how many legs there were.

Truffles:  So what’s the problem?

Farctum:  Even on a bad day for England 600,000 sounds like a bit of a trouncing; plus the two I have to add for his legs, the reasons for which will become clear tomorrow.

It means his score card looks like this:

Pub name, County, Number of legs, Been there, Review, Total
The Beehive, Suffolk, 600002, 1, 1, 600002

Overall, not what you would call a balanced scorecard and after so many years of corporate jargon I can’t have that, can I?

Saggers:  I have a solution

Truffles:  You do?

Farctum:  Great, what is it?

Saggers:  Well it is the bees that have the legs, not the hive.  So you could give a duck ie two legs.  Or as you did with the others, for reasons that will be clear tomorrow, the two for his own legs. 

Farctum:  Yes, but that doesn’t seem right because it was a very clever answer.

Truffles:  Life is tough sometimes babe, did I ever tell you about my experience with ballroom dancing?

Farctum:  Not now Truffles, but thanks for calling me babe.  Anyway some hives have legs don’t they so that would be four, plus two.

Saggers:  I’ve got it…..

Truffles:  Is it catching?

Saggers:  Only at Silly Mid Off

Farctum:  Come on I need to give them something!

Saggers:  Make @MartinCampbell2 the man of the match; I don’t know award him some virtual shoes like these which are perfect for cricket.

Then give the game to the team with the next highest points.

Farctum:  Perfect, so @josordoni wins the match.